Leave the Happiness Waiting Room and Get Clear on Defining Happy Now

In our pursuits of _____... (you can literally fill in the blank with whatever you aspire to next), we often equate aspirations with the final happiness destination. For example, there’s a belief that if we gain a more prestigious career, a slimmer waistline, or more money in the bank, that happiness would surely arrive. This waiting room thought process is the culprit for why people remain at jobs they hate, try diet plans that rob them of life’s joy, and feel completely unsatisfied with how their time is being spent. It’s also a foundational element of why people don’t stick to the routines and habits that would help them achieve these “happiness milestones”.

If one were to build the house of happiness, the largest space would be the waiting room.

- Jules Renard

The reality is that many of these pursuits are often driven by external influences. What are the true drivers of our aspirations? Did we want that new car because of what it means to us or what image it portrays of our station in life? Getting clear on why we desire certain things is one of the first steps to identifying where our true happiness resides. Moving towards any goal with a sense of purpose will illuminate our internal values. What you truly value will be apparent in your habits. Do we really value healthy living, or do we only value the benefits that healthy living provides? Sometimes it’s hard to see the distinction but if the thought of a consistent workout schedule, a balanced nutrient-rich diet, and mindfulness tactics seem unappealing, healthy living may not be our core drivers. And that’s ok. What we’ve discovered is that we will have to make sacrifices for the true goal. This acknowledgment is the beginning of a deeper journey in understanding how to use our impulses in our favor.

The greatest realization is that there is always a tradeoff for our wants and desires and the acceptance of what we are giving up is how we discover true happiness. For example, if we value parenthood and decide to care for children, we know that there will be parts of our lives that we must sacrifice to nurture that goal. Like a spontaneous schedule, sleeping in late, or only having to consider our own needs. The acceptance of those sacrifices makes it easier to enjoy the process and avoid internal resentment. We often make the unfounded assumption that a life without struggle, is a happy life but, people all over the world are defining happiness on their own terms. The perpetual quest for happiness may be related to a lack of purpose. I believe that living the life – and the struggle - that we choose is how we find happiness. This self-agency will quickly help us identify the defining characteristics of our own happiness and the path we should take to get there.

I had a conversation with friends about the expectations we set for ourselves that typically have no merit. What came to mind was the timing in which women “snapped back” from pregnancy, masking our mental health challenges, or not discussing financial goals with our core groups. The trend is that there is some trophy that we will receive if we were the exception to life’s rules. We’ve worn these “accomplishments” like a badge of honor but then gain nothing tangible from them. I then asked a simple question that put things into perspective for me… “what are we training for?” Is life more worthwhile if we only experience the cookie-cutter version of it? If we can release the dominance of external influences, we may be able to find our happiness now.

Starting today, get clear on your purpose for every decision, define and accept your sacrifices, and use that as a launching pad to set and achieve future goals.

How Grief Influences Our Habits

I decided recently that I would use this medium to convey a type of vulnerability not typically seen in the age of the influencer or in my world of personal branding. To me, there’s no better place to begin than illuminating your trauma. In order to convey my perspective, I will use grief and trauma interchangeably.

When I was very young, I was faced with immense loss and had to witness my most sacred circle experience loss repeatedly. I didn’t realize it at the time, but those years set the stage for my habit formation and my thoughts about myself. I was eight years old when I first experienced the reality of death. My mother’s youngest sister passed away from breast cancer a couple of months shy of her 31st birthday. I was young and absorbing all the emotions that my parents were revealing through their behaviors so I didn’t know how I felt but there was an obvious sense of loss. However, I knew that our routines would forever be changed.

This wasn’t my mother’s first experience with this type of grief. She and her four sisters lost their mother to breast cancer when she was only thirteen. While the experience of losing her mother shaped many of her passions and who she was, losing her sister traumatized her. For years after my aunt’s passing, my immediate family was confronted with the symptoms of my mother’s PTSD. Those symptoms became our roadmap when we were faced with my mother’s death just six years later.

Trauma can affect one’s beliefs about the future via loss of hope, limited expectations about life, fear that life will end abruptly or early, or anticipation that normal life events won’t occur - Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services

One commonality that my father, brother, and I had with my aunts was the concept of collective grief; another person to commiserate with while your mind tries to cope with a new reality. How we navigated our grief individually and as a unit began to influence our outlook and prospects for our own lives. For my father, he was faced with the decision of whether he would choose a life partner again and how soon. My brother had to grapple with his contribution to society and feelings of abandonment. I had to learn who I would show up as in this world as a woman without maternal influence.

Seeing this pattern of death in my maternal lineage generated rational fears about my own life expectancy, thoughts on childbirth, a rooted position on my personal health, and what I would be able to experience or accomplish. It was a reality check and a daily reminder of my mortality that I didn’t see in my peers. I remember going through phases of adventure-seeking and what some would call rebellion. I became very sensitive to interpersonal conflicts to the point of internalizing it. For better or worse, the habits that evolved from my grief were coping mechanisms and a response to my environment at the time.

As I look internally to identify the root causes of destructive or unproductive patterns, a few examples of grief-related habits appeared to me. This is a highly subjective interpretation but they could be displayed as:

• A need to be heard: A strong desire for others to know your thoughts and feelings from your perspective while you are still around to share them.

• Detachment issues: Can also be read as a fear of commitment or lack of strong bonds due to the fear of abandoning someone through death.

• Heightened & High Functioning Anxiety: Related to fear of finite time and a desire to get everything done before time runs out.

What has helped over the years is the continuous exploration of how my lived trauma shows up in my life. I recently shared my experience and impression of grief with Brooke James of The Grief Coach. That action was the impetus behind the discovery of habits that were a direct result of my grief and hopefully another avenue for healing.

If you or someone you love are dealing with grief, there are resources to help you process the emotion and the paperwork in relation to loss. Please visit www.thegriefcoach.co for an empathetic and realistic voice on these issues. And if you’re interested in hearing my segment, you can listen to the podcast here.

Looking Inward to Shine Outward

Getting Started

The journey towards progress is long and tedious. But the hardest task is the soul-searching it takes to locate your starting point.

It took me quite some time to realize all of my troubles were rooted in a complete lack of discipline. It became so bad that I began to rationalize it as me being attentive and connected with my inner self. I would quip at people, “I don’t like saying no to myself,” not realizing the damage I was cementing in my neural pathways.

You see, I’ve read that it takes repeating an action 18 times in order for it to become a habit. I can’t even recall the number of times that I gave in to myself instead of doing the responsible thing at the moment. Whether it was watching TV over reading, sleeping in late over going to the gym, or even ordering out instead of preparing a meal, I slowly determined that I would reject moderation in all things.

Now, as I look back at all the missed opportunities to explore my passions or learn new skills, I feel the internal resentment that ironically, I was trying to avoid by giving into myself. With this new realization that there is satisfaction in discipline, my journey can begin. I first needed to feel that loss of time and progress to make the mental challenge my new prerogative.